i feel like this is the eve of adulthood. Goodbye to highschool, goodbye to sweet memories. Normally im pretty much a self-absorbed person who writes for the approval of others, but this time i think im just gonna write for my own consolation (which is still self-absorbed, but since this is a farewell to childhood........) Im so excited about the future and everything that it holds, but at the same time i dont what to let go..........i wish i could hold on to everything, even some things that didnt especially like or appreciate, but no i was ungrateful for them at the time
"most of us have nothing to complain about. Most of us have things we could live with out."
im addicted now, thanks to meg.
But little things like sitting with Jared and joe and chris everyday at lunch my whole junior year (i think) at the time i was thinking this stinks! i wish i had lunch with my friends. Little did i know that these are some of my best friends through thick and thin (i hope......right?). things like awesome teachers like Debra Toth where i was just concerned about how little i could pay attention and still get the highest grade, i was disrespectful because of it. And reading in matt harmless' classes. Things like being to scared to cultivate relationships with the class above me, cuz i was afraid of what they'd think of me (granted will, adam, matt, robbie, jaybo and paul all in the same class was and still would be a little intimidating......). Like crying on friend's shoulders countless times, when i was frustrated, or just emotional, or tears sprung to my eyes from hitting my nose....... there were many times when i was just too conserned about what others would think of me, or if they'd still like me, or what my friends would say, or i was just afraid to start a true, deep friendship. I've been told that boys and girls can never truly be friends. that's baloney!!!!!! I think all my highschool friends are (hopefully) true friends, that i miss very much and i will be excited to hear when they start a serious relationship with someone.
i have memories i wouldnt trade for the world, and though last week i was so through with highschool relationships and ready for college ones, i realize that i was caught up in potential male-relationships. who am i kidding, im neither ready nor interested, i just wanted the attention and the satistfaction that come with it. I dont want to hurt anyone. I realize that i will be happy to spend this sememster among friends. Old and new too. its a hard juggle, but worth it.
i feel as if i am to fall asleep forever to my childhood and wake up to adulthood and the responsibilities that come with it. im not ready. but staying away longer will do nothing to prolong it. I may as well accept it. sigh.